When a breakup occurs, usually, every one of the affected parties will play the victim card. Even the clearly guilty bustard will try to get people in their favor so that they’re not looked at with an evil eye for breaking the vows, promises & or anything the relationship stood for.
When we are breaking up with people, a mistake we make is always looking at things one way (Hoping to gain public sympathy). Always looking at the other’s faults & capitalizing on them. Usually to make them feel guilt conscious or to cover up on our mistakes. Concentrating on how bad they affected us.
But then we don’t look at us & whether of how we might have affected them. We don’t look at ourselves & our role in the breakup. We run away from wearing their shoes in the relationship. How heavy or torn they were forcing them into jumping ship.
We don’t ask ourselves whether despite the other’s faults, we too are to have stayed in their life.
It takes a great deal of courage to admit our faults in a breakup. We never ask ourselves whether our being in their life might actually have hindered their progress. How uncomfortable we may have been to live with. Most of the time, the reasons for a breakup are two-way, not just one person’s errors.
So. Before you run around spreading the word of how bae evilly broke your heart, you must as well have done some good enough self-assessment about the matter.
Sometimes it’s actually in the views our partner has towards love, life & the dynamics of a relationship in general & to save yourself from such blues, lookout for some of these signs about your partner & just as well, before you go any further with a relationship, have you weighed its pros & cons?
Quite often, when a relationship goes sour, it’s when we decide to roll back the film & go through so many of the things we thought we skipped that might have led to the death of our love. Placing little markings here & there trying to put the pieces together, trying to look back into the issues that we might’ve ignored.
Is the relationship developmental? Is it healthy for your mental wellbeing? Does it push you two to a next level in life or it’s like sitting in a car pretending it’s moving yet it has no tyres…..where the heck are you headed?
Have you ever featured in any of your partner’s future plans? What plans they have for the relationship? Are your partner’s views aiming at your mutual existence? They should be telling you of their future plans in which you ought to feature. They should be talking about a family & their views should be comforting to motivate you into starting a family with them. If you’re not mentioned in any of their future plans of being together, then you ought to be scared. It’s ugly to be there teething while your partner has never mentioned you in the next chapter of their life.
Do they respect your feelings, privacy & decisions? Do they create an atmosphere where you’re both at the same table discussing family issues together & letting your views be implemented when they’re right without feeling threatened of your presence to the power balance in the relationship? Do you have to overly explain yourself or use force to get your view across? Are they the ‘I am always right” kind of person? How do they handle your moods? How do they argue with you or handle your insecurities?
Is your partner professionally helpful? Are they helping you pursue your dreams & career or they’re somewhat pulling you down? Do they feel threatened by your professional life & financial power & if so, how are you dealing with it? Do they help you in the job search? Completing assignments? Giving you time to concentrate on your work? Help you draft CVs? Or it’s all about playing sex, consuming illicit stuff & binge shopping?
What are their views about work? Do they expect to always be provided for or they plan on working to feed the relationship? They must be willing to work so as to provide…you’re not going to eat dirt are you?
What are their reaction & relationship towards the opposite sex? Are they the type that gets overly excited when they meet people of the others? How do they talk of them? How do they flirt & react to flirts? If more attention is given to others even in your presence, then be scared.
Is there openness in the relationship & to what level? That moment when you touch your partner’s property & they come crashing down on you like a buffalo. When you try to give them feedback & they always going offensive. What’re they insecure of? What’re they hiding & scared of?
Analyze their spending. Some people spend on things they don’t need, excessive partying, traveling etc. & this is a good way to go broke. What’re your partner’s views about life? Are they planning on living on the next level or they only look at living for that moment?
Check their saving culture. Are they saving for what’s worthy? Some people love to live for the day & forget that there’s tomorrow…that’s a lack of foresight.
Is your partner hanging with the right people? Those that will help push them to the next level or it’s a bunch of happy go lucky idiots whose goal is to hit all happening joints around town? Are they ones that impart constructive knowledge to your partner or feed them lies & false egos? Are they introducing them to the right people or to other potential partners? You should watch out.
Does he/she introduce you to the right people (family) & positive people like bosses, influential people or fellow rag tags?
Be wary if your partner doesn’t seem to get over their ex…You may find yourself ditched & they be back together.
Help yourselves either where you can; physically, emotionally or financially because in this current trend, it’s hard for one person to carry the whole relationship on their back. Remember; it’s a mutual relationship not a sexual or business partnership.
Much its things you should look out for in your partner, they may as well be the things about you so before you start questioning your partner, find out whether none of them apply to you as well. Otherwise ……Best Of Luck
There was a time when we used to walk the streets together. Hand in hand I held you like my purse. Side by side like a holster. Babe, oh, those times when we was together. Lovers. I used to cling to you like a sticker. The ones we walk past on the street lamps of Kampala, Uganda.
Now I see you on the city streets walking with another girl. On the pavements we treaded. I feel like calling out your name but I am afraid to disrupt your romantic stroll.
You & her, hand in hand, like how you used to hold mine now you hold hers while retracing our lanes like we used to, me & you. Now it’s you & her. And I remember the shops we used to go to. The restaurants we ate & dined from. Are you taking her there now? Seating her in the chair I used to? The corner I liked? The same table jokes? Fuck this small city & the familiar streets. Its habits and its traits.
I wanted to call out your name but at that moment, the traffic lights turned green as I saw my lover turning a corner with another woman.
Sometime in 2020, during one of those (#MeToo campaigns), There was a social media topic about people’s characters. Commonly, such topics involve qualities one looks out for in a partner. Amongst a number of comments on a certain post I can’t seem to find anymore was a comment by Rashida Namulondo, a poet and actress. I was so captivated by a fellow creative’s comment that I had to capture it and reproduce it for the world to see how beautiful she described qualities of her potential partner.
So, below she said…
‘’People are not perfect! It depends on what you are looking for. Personally I want a good person, be it a romantic relationship, work relationship or friend. This is how I know a good person that I want in my life.
How he treats people around him especially support staff like waiters and cleaners. How he treats colleagues under his supervisor and he is in a superior position than them. It’s very easy to see someone’s manners in these situations of power play.
How open is he to the fact that he’s still learning, and that other people’s opinions and perspective on life counts just like his? Basically, I can’t handle people who think they are better than others and have this ‘I am right’ attitude.
How does he handle conflict? Let’s say for example, he bumps into someone on the road. Does he accept blame or goes on cursing and denies blame. Now, I know even the best of people curse on Ugandan roads but there are people who go beyond. Also, is he the kind who can be able to take the courage to mend things whether it’s his fault or not?
Does he have a plan in life and is he working courageously towards it? If he has no plan, is he the kind committed and interested in learning? Does he seek to improve his skills and take an extra mile to learn new things and skills? I can’t handle people who don’t strive to grow and be better than they were yesterday.
Is he a grateful person? Does He acknowledge the mercy of God? The help of others who have helped him? Is he grateful and is he able to meaningfully acknowledge help?
Does he take feedback? Is he able to take feedback without turning you into a bad person for giving him negative feedback and does he strive to change?
How does he speak of people when they are not around? It’s okay to complain once in a while about someone who has wronged you at work etc. but constantly speaking evil of someone? Noo! Does he ever acknowledge the good things even the worst his enemies could have or has done for him in his life? What is his relationship with his relatives? Even the bad ones.
Now being a nice person doesn’t mean to be a push over. Can he stand up for himself respectfully without insulting others? Does he have boundaries and non-negotiables? And can he tell me the truth every single day even if it hurts?
Finally, does he see me? Does he even notice I am there? How well does he know my dreams? My goals. My ambitions. (This question is key because it can only mean a person listens when you talk or even when you don’t.) I know people I hardly talk to but they can recite my dreams, my hopes, things that upset me and those that bring me joy off their lips. And there are those I am close to who even after so many conversations have no slightest idea about who I am, what I hope for, what angers me and what are my dreams.
A person who truly sees you. Knows your soul because they feel it. That is the one that truly cares about you.
NB. These may seem so many things but very often you will be surprised that a good person ticks off all these boxes.
Rashida is a Ugandan based actress, stage director, and award-winning poet. She is the founder of the Sophie Muwanika Institute of Art for Change. A nonprofit organization that uses theatre for peace building.