Category: marriage

Of Good Character, Rashida’s Qualities…Of A Perfect Partner

Sometime in 2020, during one of those (#MeToo campaigns), There was a social media topic about people’s characters. Commonly, such topics involve qualities one looks out for in a partner. Amongst a number of comments on a certain post I can’t seem to find anymore was a comment by Rashida Namulondo, a poet and actress. I was so captivated by a fellow creative’s comment that I had to capture it and reproduce it for the world to see how beautiful she described qualities of her potential partner.

So, below she said…

‘’People are not perfect!  It depends on what you are looking for. Personally I want a good person, be it a romantic relationship, work relationship or friend. This is how I know a good person that I want in my life.

  • How he treats people around him especially support staff like waiters and cleaners. How he treats colleagues under his supervisor and he is in a superior position than them. It’s very easy to see someone’s manners in these situations of power play.
  • How open is he to the fact that he’s still learning, and that other people’s opinions and perspective on life counts just like his? Basically, I can’t handle people who think they are better than others and have this ‘I am right’ attitude.
  • How does he handle conflict? Let’s say for example, he bumps into someone on the road. Does he accept blame or goes on cursing and denies blame. Now, I know even the best of people curse on Ugandan roads but there are people who go beyond. Also, is he the kind who can be able to take the courage to mend things whether it’s his fault or not?
  • Does he have a plan in life and is he working courageously towards it? If he has no plan, is he the kind committed and interested in learning? Does he seek to improve his skills and take an extra mile to learn new things and skills? I can’t handle people who don’t strive to grow and be better than they were yesterday.
  • Is he a grateful person? Does He acknowledge the mercy of God? The help of others who have helped him? Is he grateful and is he able to meaningfully acknowledge help?
  • Does he take feedback? Is he able to take feedback without turning you into a bad person for giving him negative feedback and does he strive to change?
  • How does he speak of people when they are not around? It’s okay to complain once in a while about someone who has wronged you at work etc. but constantly speaking evil of someone? Noo! Does he ever acknowledge the good things even the worst his enemies could have or has done for him in his life? What is his relationship with his relatives? Even the bad ones. 
  • Now being a nice person doesn’t mean to be a push over. Can he stand up for himself respectfully without insulting others? Does he have boundaries and non-negotiables? And can he tell me the truth every single day even if it hurts?
  • Finally, does he see me? Does he even notice I am there? How well does he know my dreams? My goals. My ambitions. (This question is key because it can only mean a person listens when you talk or even when you don’t.) I know people I hardly talk to but they can recite my dreams, my hopes, things that upset me and those that bring me joy off their lips. And there are those I am close to who even after so many conversations have no slightest idea about who I am, what I hope for, what angers me and what are my dreams.

A person who truly sees you. Knows your soul because they feel it. That is the one that truly cares about you.

NB. These may seem so many things but very often you will be surprised that a good person ticks off all these boxes.

Rashida Namulondo

Rashida is a Ugandan based actress, stage director, and award-winning poet. She is the founder of the Sophie Muwanika Institute of Art for Change. A nonprofit organization that uses theatre for peace building.

Don’t Make Her A Single Mother

This is the women’s month and Women’s Day is just around the corner so I found it wise to send them this love letter… and to the men too. This is all about us…and it children.

A woman loved a man. She loved him hard and he played the part. Her dreams were coming true. She was going to be a wife to a loving man and then have him a couple of beautiful littluns making him a father and altogether become a beautiful family.

So when he wooed her heart, she gave to him one of her most precious assets, her sexuality. You can’t blame her because she looked at this man as the perfect candidate to make a family with. Probably because, in the course of dating, he presented that dream quite too often and seriously and so a child they got for a family she hoped they would make.

The bastard instead, was just for a joy ride so once the tot was delivered, off he ran. To the hills or the valleys, across the plains or the mountains no one knew for he disappeared faster than he came into her life. Probably to spread his horn further. A heartbroken female, he left behind. A dadless child he left behind. Abandoned.

Broken heart. Shattered dreams. Hurt emotions and literally a fatherless child with a husbandless mother. She now has to fend for not only herself but for her child too. It is like it was a mistake for her to give in herself to him. Like it was her blunder to leave every other suitor for him. Such a heartless coward.

The world has never really been a cool shade for single moms. The blame they go through for having given in to a man that couldn’t commit. The promiscuous stigmatization they are given. We tend to label them being loose. We tend to pile the blame on her and turn blind to the idiot that played with her heart. That failed to act like a man and take charge of the results from his horn. The struggle they go through finding another suitor that won’t traumatize them for what happened before. Bringing it up in every argument, the insecurities, the ignoring of the child that came with her. That it’s her responsibility and that he starts from where he came into her picture.

A single mother is like a sheep in the wilderness full of wolf packs. Like Survivor Island, she has to keep up or be left behind. She lives in denial of her reality. Having to hide the child from possible suitors thinking they will jump ship once they know she got extra ‘baggage’.  Many men will think she is loose and try to gain sexual favors from her or that she is in a constant disparate need for help (which may be true) and try to get sexual in exchange for help. That is a sad reality. Hardly will any of them try to commit. Many fear that responsibility. “How can I father a child I didn’t father?” It is sad. It hurts.

Now literary alone in the world, that is if her family didn’t ignore her too because many think it is taboo for a woman to have a child and not live with its father. A shame to the family name and also if the father’s family doesn’t treat her any different, she now has to fend for school fees so that the baby gets an education, medical care, housing, food, clothes, belonging and identity, and all this while the father, the husband that was supposed to be is out there sexing other women. Probably they also know that he absconded from his parental responsibilities somewhere but what the heck, he said he loves me too so let the sista find a way to survive with her kid am moving on with the man now.

To the families that are raising the boy child, please teach that boy before he thinks he is now a man that women ought to be respected, honored, cherished, protected and loved. That sex is not everything and once they take on the sex activities, they must be ready for the consequences that come after. That live sex doesn’t give birth to a TV, car or anything but a baby and it is that child, their own seed that they’re going to subject a lot of mental torture to the moment they decide to close the door on them.

Dear player, if at all you don’t have plans of making that woman your wife then don’t make her a mother for nothing. Withdraw, wear a condom or don’t sex her at all and if at all you aren’t ready to take care of a woman and her child then stay away from single mothers. It is that simple. It is not a life she called for.

 Just as well, dear woman, not everything male that says it loves you really does so you do not have to open your legs for them without protection just because they said they love you. Let that niga take his time dating you if need bes while in that moment you’re looking out for the father figure in him. There are always red flags to look out for and yes, some things are actually worth the wait if you’re committed to looking out for the best.

On Provision In A Relationship

It is always a heated topic between both genders concerning money & how it should be handled. In many societies & relationships, the woman expects the man to foot everything financial. & so in most cases, one of the leading causes of relationship failures is financial understanding (or the lack of it) –provide what.

Views presented below are a collab by Shadray, the amazing Gelax Bolaji of https://gelaxchatroom.com from Nigeria & Irene Ahumuza https://www.facebook.com/irene.ahumuza of Uganda.

Many relationships have ended especially where the female feels like the man isn’t providing enough for her well-being in every sense of the compound word. I must firstly admit, a man should provide for his woman. The society and somewhere in the Bible (check 1 Timothy 5:8) have talked about this, and when such verses were discovered by women, damn, it’s been rubbed in our faces more than they rub avocado oil in their hair. However, I say that it’s upon the woman to understand the capacities in which her man can provide and be willing to support him where possible (Proverbs 14:1), but I am sure many missed that verse.

I’m sorry but why are women fighting for equal rights, equal pays and equal everything if they’ll still come back home and expect their man to pay for everything? Isn’t that hypocrisy? I read a twitter post from a Nigerian lesbian earlier this week stating that women shouldn’t split the bill on a date with men yet. In her opinion, women should wait until the world is equal before they start sharing the tabs. I thought it was absurd.

Rome surely wasn’t built in a day. Shall we wait until we have the full tuition for a child’s years in school before enrolling him/her to study? Certainly not!

The only problem these days is that many women have used that understanding to heap all their burdens on men as if they didn’t have a life before this man came into the picture. They come into the relationship hoping to earn a living out of it like it’s some of sort of employment to love a man. They trade love for money. Imagine paying someone to love you.

Courtesy of Gelax herself

If that’s the case, then women should have no problem being objectified. After all, the reason we spend our hard-earned money on things like luxury cars, gadgets and the likes is so they can serve and/or pleasure us. He who pays the Piper dedicates the tune. Or did I quote it wrongly?

My point is, just as an employer demands that his/her employee delivers according to the contract to earn their wages, women who trade love for money must be ready to keep their end of the bargain.

With a woman having the mentality that her money is hers alone & the man’s is theirs to ‘eat’, no wonder many have landed themselves men with some change to spare but who are quick to use it to fuck & dump them. (Sorry for the French, I am usually English.) But if at all she’s not comfortable with what the man can offer, then she should let it be known & walk away. Keeping around, wasting his time with false hope is a double damage.

It so happens that when the man runs out of funds, he resorts to bailing out of her life, leaving her to cater for the kid(s) by herself because she forgot to acknowledge that a relationship should be a mutual, romantic partnership & not a moneymaking venture. This is not to excuse such men for neglecting their responsibilities, but what do you expect of someone who you only chose to be your poverty eradication scheme or escape plan?

Such men can tell when a woman is only using them and that’s why they, in turn, use their money to get her into their bed just to eat her coochie and dump her. After all, it was an unspoken but well understood business transaction.

Personally, I have no problem with a man providing in a relationship because that’s how things have always been done & that’s what I’ve always told guys; invest in your relationship but it’s only wiser to invest in one where the lady is understanding & supportive. Otherwise, you’ll be crying foul that women are thieves.

However, if we are sticking to how things have always been done, then I’m sorry, but we won’t, can’t and shouldn’t expect any change. And as such, movements like the fight against inequality, racism, discrimination, the rights of the LGBTQIA, and even democracy should be rendered null and void. Don’t ask that men keep taking care of your bills while asking for equal pay. It just doesn’t add up!

Do you know there are girlfriends who expect and demand to be paid on a monthly basis for being… Oh well, girlfriend! And that doesn’t even stop them from requesting for funds to buy bone-straight hairs, red bottom shoes and Fenty beauty products. Eish!

Anyways, relationships have evolved greatly these days especially due to the stretch created by the financial situations. The days of our parents where a man used to marry a woman and keep her at home are long gone. These days women are working too and men are keen on knowing what the woman he wants to make a wife is doing before getting to the ring part. No room for excess, dependent baggage. That’s a C+ for change and I’m so here for it!

Irene, one of my friends whom I am trying to inspire into blogging, had this to say about the topic at hand, “Quite a piece. Do I believe that a relationship is a partnership? Yes hundred percent. But, I believe you can only partner with a person who wants you in their life, someone who sees you as an asset, someone that encourages your initiative, listens to your views, and if they are practical enough, puts them into practice. A man’s money can never be enough and no one can provide for your needs 100 percent. That’s why we as women have to work to complement our men”.

However, let’s not forget there are those men that want their wives to stay home, mind the kids, cook, clean, etc. Such men view their wives getting jobs as a threat to their marriage or relationship, often citing excuses such as other men hitting on her.

The truth is, there are some patriarchal princesses who are pretty cool with this arrangement and really, no one is judging them. I have a friend who just wants to marry a rich man, pop out a few babies, kick back and enjoy her husband’s riches. To each his own.

But such men will provide only the bare necessities while she stays at home growing old, bored & fat before he even realizes. When this happens he will jump out of the relationship or marriage & settle for a younger, hotter chic. Such men exist and as women we need to stay clear of them. Let’s choose partners that want to see us grow & prosper together. Let’s choose partners that encourage us, push us to be our best selves & want to work with us to see our progress together as a family. There is a lot I can write about this but from the financial point of view, this is it for now. Next time I will write about complimenting each other by encouraging & pushing for your partner to be better.

Special thanks to the ladies I worked with on this piece & please do check out their works on the links embedded in this post.

God’s Supply & Satan’s Bait (You rush you crush)

She picked the window seat, sat at her table & went through her social media. Up & down she scrolled. A video picked her mind so she inserted her earphones, pressed play & giggled at it. She scrolled on but then got stuck somewhere. A picture of someone she knew from her high school days was on the timeline. The girl in the picture had given birth. She remembered last year that this same girl had wed & in between the months, she had held a blue baby shower. It was a boy. They were beautiful pictures.  She looked at her watch & back to the pictures. She pressed love on the reaction & sent a “Wow, congrats” comment.

However, deep inside, her heart had sunk but in just about a few minutes, her man showed up & the date went on well. But for someone who knows their partner well, he noticed that something was amiss. Later in the night when the lights were out & they lay there listening to each other’s stories, she turned in his arms, faced him & told him about her former high school friend with the conclusive statement being the question, “When are you marrying me? Or maybe, when are you making me pregnant?”

The guy, an always calculative person, thought through a number of issues before giving the answer. He thought of their finances (most importantly), whether they would be enough to sustain the pregnancy & the baby that would be coming in, he thought of the jobs status they were holding & chances of growth. He for one was not the type who made most decisions basing on societal expectations or peer pressure but mainly basing on his capacity to sustain or have peace from what he has done. This was mainly coming from his growth point of view & so many others he had growing up seeing…. his background, friends’ mistakes… so basing on that, he told his girl that they should make plans for the next year. Hopefully, the tides of their lives would have turned for the better.

As the days of their lives went on, she felt like everything was dragging. She felt that she was growing old & some of her friends were having kids already. At the young age of 26, she felt she was aging to look any better in a wedding gown & all this pressure was piled on to the guy too because it made him look like he was failing not only the relationship but the girl too & comparisons are some of the biggest breaks to a relationship. It was a terrible moment.

And trust the devil in knowing when the times are bad. Some other goon came into their picture. He came promising all that the girl was wishing for at that time. (Remember Eve & the serpent?) A baby & a wedding & then one evening as they were seated having a couple moment, she dropped the bomb on him that she was moving on to something better & a few days later, the relationship was done & in spite of the red flags about where she was headed to, she had made up her mind to brave the storm flying blind & a few years down the road, their new relationship was what Trump calls a ‘shit hole’.

Many people tend to forget that desperation usually breeds impatience & impatience will breed the need to make sudden decisions & actions which behaviors will breed usually, irreversible consequences. This comes from the failure for one to differentiate between God’s supply & Satan’s bait. They tend to feel like everything is dragging. Like the relationship they’re in, the job, the business & through all that drama, Satan comes up with a quick fix that looks beautiful (Remember what the serpent said to Eve?) Something that looks like what you have been waiting for. And then you’ll jump for it, instead ending up in an even worse situation than you were in before.

Why does this usually happen? It’s because in such situations, desperation blindfolds many people from thinking through the things they’re getting into thus failing to use their minds to make logical, sound judgments.

They may be blinded by greed, jealousy, desperation itself, excitement among others. People also would try to use God to get where they want to get & once that is got then God is left there. Abandoned. But when you are satisfied in God in spite of your problem, He takes interest in your issues & makes them come to pass.

Don’t Lust!

Moving on is one of the hardest decisions ever to be made by man. Moving on from a relationship that you saw as your final deal is as complex as moving back in with an ex who claims to be single. The latter is rather more like a gamble.

Everyone has a first cut & very so much often, people have got stuck here like Nairobi traffic. People will bring up many excuses to fall back. The sex, the money, the feelings. Anything & everything to an extent that they’ll ignore all sound advice just to re-live the moments. I will not say that re-living moments is bad but damn, sometimes moments are not worth re-living especially if you have already moved on to a life where you have other people looking up to you & that, I am, talking about a family. Wife & your children.

They say that sometimes life brings back our exes just to see whether we’re still stupid. Well, not always are every one of our exes evil but usually, some things are better left buried where they lay.

Some guy raised his issue on social media. He said that he bumped into his ex-girlfriend of 10 years ago. They had had a good time at college & then after as she went abroad for further studies, he got married.
But as the devil will always want to pull tricks on us, they met again along the walks of life, & she is not married yet, looks hotter & they’ve agreed to go for a date. Ting*
Meanwhile, in the space of 10 years, this guy has not only got a wife but kids too & now he’s here tripping that feelings for the first cut have crept up again & now he’s in a state of romantic dilemma.

So this is where I get to ask whether this isn’t lust? I mean you already have a wife & kids & yet here you’re feeling attracted to someone else whose looks you’re already drooling at. That may not be the main problem because naturally, it happens but going ahead to even propose a date? That’s where the devil even dances the more. They say that feelings for anything attractive physically is not love but lust. It makes your hormones boil & you feel restless down there to an extent that you want to get immediately intimate with that person & very so often, once you get in between the sheets then all this ‘magic’ disappears. I don’t even know to where either.

The reason this qualifies to being called lust is because more so often, it is temporary & never has it been worth it at any one bit. It’s never been worth giving away a whole family which deserves the best from you including forgetting your past & moving on as they had done nothing to deserve this sexual promiscuity.

One of the biggest problems lust presents to a family is that the one in lust will start bringing up non issues where they weren’t in the first place. They’ll jump at the slightest err & blow it out of proportion because now they’ve been blinded by the new catch. If bae doesn’t call that day they’ll think he/she’s cheating, they’ll start to think that maybe the sex at home is boring, they’ll blame bae for irrelevant marital issues amongst others all because they’re thinking that now they’ve struck gold. And just like Eve’s encounter with the serpent, they will be manipulated with what looks like the greener pastures so they’ll drop their bird in the hand for what seems like two in the bush only to realize at a latter point in time that damn, they were duped.

What really makes it so hard to instead of spending on this old alien, you take your wife for a treat, be it shopping, a holiday, a dinner date or crazy, romantic hangout instead of frolicking with this woman who’s got nothing to lose (Because it’s you that will be spending on her & she has no relationship or family to lose at her end) while you on the other hand have everything to lose & for how long is it going to be hidden because definitely you’re going to find yourself in situations where you’re going to be creeping around, looking over your shoulder hiding texts, making hideous calls et al?

He even mentioned that he’s been with his wife faithfully through the marital ups & downs for ten years. What kind of currency would he be paying her & their three children that would love to be in a united home?