Marriage is one of the most interesting aspects of a relationship. I mean, the final confirmation that that person is now your personal person legally & when you bring in child bearing it even becomes more important, dramatic, critical & complicated. A life line for the family, clan, tribe, country, humanity. A battle of live or die for the mother. Why? Because once the couple marries, the demand to have children becomes even more amplified. It becomes a pressure case. Almost everyone makes it their business to know when and how many children you’re to have. It is sacrilegious if a couple decides not to in the African society. It is literary a death sentence if one of the partners is not seemingly up for having children (yet).
I’ve come across a number of couples whose relationships have ended because of failure to come to terms with how to handle the issue of having children. The common scenario is that one partner (usually the man) may feel like they are not ready to have children. Putting forward the issue of financing the child bearing process, financial costs of raising a child and related issues yet on the other hand, the woman may be feeling like it is time to have kids, not only for her own pleasure but because she wants to appease her family or the FOMO because many of her peers are popping tots & eventually when these differing opinions meet & they fail to harmonize, then the relationship downfall becomes inevitable & in most cases, it is the girl (like for almost every other reason) who walks away in search of someone to make her pregnant. The female issue to delayed child bearing is usually career based. (Don’t want you to label me patriarchal lenient)
The reason for this confusion is usually the failure of the couple to sit down & lend reasoning to each other’s ideas. They are both right but the failure to view what is the priority of the views is the tip of the iceberg & eventually when you look at the basis of the final decision, it is usually based on social or external factors. Giving birth because society wants a child from you. Because the parents want to see a grandchild, because the other friends are popping tots like rabbits.
This is where many people fail to realize that the decisions they are making are not for everyone else but for themselves. Some of these people asking you for a wedding or a child are just party hunting. (The showers & wedding et cetera for the food, pictures, music & socializing.) Once you’ve given them the wedding or child as they asked you for, they’ll all be gone back to their homes & problems because they’re not the ones who are going to pay fees for those kids they’re asking you for nor contribute to the bills you’re going to meet in your home. Once your kids start defaulting from school because of fees, these are the very people who will be talking of how broke you are to an extent of not paying fees. They will wonder why you even married that person that can’t support you. They’ll use you as a subject in their inspiration stories. They will laugh at how bad looking your kids are or how out of shape & poor in taste your boo is.
That is society & if you decide to conform to the way it wants your life to run just because it’s laying down its ideas on how to run your relationship/ marriage then you will end up becoming the numerous examples of someone who entered a marriage ill prepared to handle its ups & downs.
Couples need to realize that the most critical priorities & effects of the decisions they are making are not ones for their bosses, pastors, friends, government ministers, parents or their religious leaders but themselves. It is all about the couple because at the end of the day the bills will be on you & the children will be looking up to you. You owe no one in this world a wedding, marriage or children except you & your partner & you must clearly understand why each of you is thinking like so. So don’t do everything just because other people feel like you should. This piece was inspired by Flavia Tumusiime’s vlog. https://www.facebook.com/howwe.biz/videos/545852255980996/